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Random thoughts

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Confused and All Shopped Out

GAP...Banana Republic...J. Crew...Nike.... I think I'm going to go crazy if I see any more shops like these. I have been shopping almost everyday with my mom and aunt. When my mom first got here, we went to the Camarillo outlets. Then during the week, we went shopping around town. Yesterday, we went to the Century City mall, and today we went to another outlet mall near Palm Springs. Geez! I won't be surprised if the US economy suddenly starts getting better. Whew!

Okay, with the risk of sounding really ditzy, I am particularly happy with the stuff I got. But I really think I need to stay away from the mall for awhile. After awhile, everything just looks like a blur and I don't enjoy it anymore. I usually save shopping sprees like that for times when I'm inconsolably depressed.

And I'm not depressed right now. Confused is more like it. I came here to the US to find myself and learn more about myself, and somehow I feel like I've gotten even more lost. I am dissatisfied with my career, and now that I'm once again considering school, I can't seem to decide what course to take. Sometimes I feel like majoring in something entirely different again.

Maybe this is the process through which I will be able to know myself better, but it feels very shaky and uncertain. Even my relationships are suffering. And the new ones I am able to make, I'm not even sure I should actually have. Am I now opening myself to situations I shouldn't even be considering? And are there things that I should be doing but keep making excuses not to do? (I suspect the answer to that last one is yes.)

But I feel very thankful to this one person who knew enough to say that we need to get to know each other first. I need that kind of common sense knocked into me. Sometimes I don't have enough self-control to put my foot down and do whatever is best for me. I'm glad this time someone else wanted what probably is the best thing for me to do right now.

'Course, that doesn't make me less confused.

posted by Cathy at 10:23 PM

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