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Random thoughts

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

3 am and philosophical musings

Slept at 3 am today. Or I should say, went to bed at 3 am. I must have fallen asleep soon afterwards but I know I woke up several times. I must have slept less than four hours.

Lessons are learned the hard way, but after you learn them, is there ever a chance to apply them where it matters? Is there a way to go back and do everything correctly? God only knows.

Streams in the Desert is helping out a lot. I feel like every reading is meant for me and what I'm going through now. It says, be still, ask for what you want and it will be given to you. I like that - Be still. Maybe I need to do that as well, just to make sure I'm not toxic.

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It's funny how sometimes you think something of yourself only to find out that someone else thinks differently. Last night, I had a shocking revelation, and I couldn't help but feel the saddest regret that I had come across that way. I see this as something humbling, something that tells me that I am always a work-in-progress, and that there are always lessons to be learned, and no one can be perfect in anything, not even in something as simple as showing affection for someone. There's always room for change. There's always some way to make things better. And of all the things that will help, communication is key.

So again, if someone learns this lesson, what is this frustrating irony that makes it seem virtually impossible to have a second chance at the same situation?

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Is there still music left to dance to? I hear something. I wonder.

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Someone I know said:

"There is no way to get to reality through words, all generalizations are suspect, and the sharing of meanings between minds is an illusion."

So what of this? What hope is there for each relationship if it is by nature doomed to fall into the traps of miscommunication? Does it mean to say that no matter what truth is given from one end to the other, no clear view can possibly be transferred? If everyone falls prey to this kind of belief, then every friendship, relationship, marriage and connection is rendered senseless and fatally vulnerable.

But then he says:

We need to cultivate more than logic if we want to thrive in the future. We must foster intuition to anticipate changes before they occur; empathy to understand that which cannot be clearly expressed; wisdom to see the connection between apparently unrelated events; and creativity to discover new ways of defining problems, new rules that will make it possible to adapt to the unexpected.

And there is truth to that. In the world today, which is getting smaller and smaller with the development of new technologies, there is a need to be much more conscious of the impression and interpretation of every word that is said. Understanding, compromise and compassion becomes a prerequisite for establishing relationships that can stand a chance. But we must be careful not to become jaded by the efforts that are required. The goal should never be to destroy, to break apart or to be alone - the goal is to share, to commune, to become one with another.


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Everyone is psychotic in some way. People have quirks, idiosyncracies, and whatever else they may be called, but it is essentially a form of psychosis. If so, mine is revelling too much in drama. I seem to be drawn to it, or it to me. I seem to tend to do things that cause drama in my life. Sometimes I find myself doing things that I know I don't really mean, just to create some kind of disturbance in what would otherwise be a peaceful situation. And lately, I have realized that this psychosis of mine will be my undoing, if I do not work at fighting against it. I have an odd pattern that whenever I reach the peak of happiness, I eventually look for something that would create some downhill slide so that I could climb back up. Perhaps it is the climb that I crave. But I know that if I do not stop, I will ultimately never get to the place where I hope to be. This is the psychosis I suffer from, and this is what I hope to cure.

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