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Random thoughts

Friday, October 08, 2004

Still No Happy Thoughts

I haven't been blessed with happy thoughts yet today. I think my life is spiralling down a little, but maybe after all this is over (no matter what 'over' means), I'll be back to my normal self.

If I could jump into the future now though, I would. They say, "live one day at a time", but never before have I wanted to let the days pass with the fast forward button on, sort of like the way they did the airplane scene in Garden State, as much as I do now. Actually, I feel that way now, except that everything around me is in slow motion.


Anyway, while I'm at it, here are some random thoughts I'm having (people who don't want to be depressed or who'd rather not get into my drama, avert your eyes):

1. I wonder, if trust is lost in any kind of relationship, how do you get it back?
2. People always say, "Don't think about what others think, just do what's in your heart", but how feasible is that? Is that really possible when everyday, you're surrounded by people who judge you, or who expect something of you? How can someone just let that all go, and do only what's in their heart, only what they want? Aside from it sounding so selfish, isn't that how some people end up being called crazy? But then again, maybe those crazy people are really the most free people. No one expects anything of them, except maybe the worst. But if that's the case, I never want to be free.
3. I look like someone made a punching bag out of my face. And I feel really unclean because I can't brush my teeth well enough. To top it all off, my meals consist mostly of water, Jello and eggs that I can barely chew.
4. Jealousy may well be a poison, but it can also lead to enlightenment, especially when it's well-founded.
5. I guess New York will have to do without me this New Year's. I don't know when I'll ever get to see this place. People always tell me that I would thrive there, for some reason (I hope it's not because they think I'm rude), so I've always had this longing. But oh well. Maybe next year. Maybe I should just move there and forget all my troubles here. That's a thought.
6. I am realizing that in my almost 3 years here, I really don't have that someone that I could pour my heart out too, that friend who wouldn't get tired of me just sounding off about my worries. My family thinks I keep too much inside me, that I don't share stories enough, and that's true. But it's just that I want someone who would be open-minded enough not to make everything a chance for a lecture, but who would be guided enough and sensible enough to give me a kick in the butt when I need it. Maybe such a person doesn't exist. But I'm about ready to burst right now.
7. The only thing I could've eaten in the refrigerator here right now turned out to be stale. God, I can't get a break in anything.
8. This job is not doing anything for my resume. If anything, I'm getting more and more behind on the technologies coming out, and this is frustrating me.
9. Maybe longevity is something I'm not capable of. Or maybe I'm just cursed to not have it at all. I must have been a jerk in a previous life.
10. Someone once said to me, "Everyone is alone in this world." Now I think it's true. No matter how close you are to other people, no matter how many friends you have, and it doesn't even matter if you're with someone or you're married or whatever, yes, everyone is alone.
11. I once thought that I'm pretty open-minded. I guess I don't give out that impression after all, and I'm saddened by this. And to top it all off, it's one of those people I'm supposed to trust the most who said this.
12. Misfortune comes in bulk. I hope the deliveries are over.
13. I hate this day, I hate my life, I hate myself. Sigh.

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