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Random thoughts

Friday, October 29, 2004

Undeniable

Last night, a decision was made final and a fate was sealed. It sounds dramatic, I know, but then my life has been one big drama lately. I have no clue what tomorrow or the next day will be like, and I feel a little lost right now, not knowing which belief to anchor myself to, and which thought to entertain.

I woke up once today in a panic, then woke up once more feeling indifferent. I seem to be passing back and forth each extreme. I need to be still.

I found a book at a store about being still, actually, and of course, I just had to have it. There was actually another book called Kissing Your Ex which looked interesting because of the plotline, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to read it when I'm trying to calm myself down.

People around me have been nothing but the best. My friends have been supportive and more than willing to lend an ear. Even John has been great - this morning, when he saw me on his way out, he offered his hand without saying a word, and he shook and squeezed mine. I guess he knew what I was going through, because he had just gone through the same thing. Really, it's one of the best gestures of all because what is there left to say anyway to someone going through this? Nothing will make things magically better - there is no one word or phrase or sentence that will bring everything back. So somehow when he looked at me, nodded and shook my hand, I felt most understood. It's just a matter of conveying somehow, "I know what you're going through," and he does.

And of course the advice I've gotten has been such a big help. I've only told a few of the people I'm closest to, and it's done wonders. At least I don't feel like I'm going to explode.

===============================

Okay, now I know what this song means. This is the song I'm suffering last song syndrome (LSS) from. Sarah said it started out as a love song, someone saying "I will be with you no matter what", and then in the middle of it, somehow she came up with lyrics that said, "Oh, maybe not!" Wow, dead-center!

Answer

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

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I wonder what Sarah's mom fed her? I want to write like that!

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