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Random thoughts

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Remembering Home

I've been thinking lately of just how much I've kept in touch with my folks back home, and I'm actually embarassed by the answer. I know what it looks like to them - that I just packed up and left and never looked back.

The truth is though that they infuse my life so much with the old traditions and old beliefs that they raised me with that I somehow feel suffocated. I revert back to being their baby, instead of being a full-grown adult who can make decisions on her own.

They say that a daughter inevitably ends up like the mother, and in some ways, I am happy to be like her. But I struggle with the things I question about her, like how she's driven by fear. Maybe it's the way she was raised too, or it's just how she is, but letting fear govern my life isn't healthy for me. I realize more now how much I can accomplish when I push fear out of my mind.

If I had been afraid, I would never have climbed to the top of the mountain and seen the amazing beauty of Joshua Tree. If I had been afraid, I would never have hiked the 6-mile trail to Pear Lake, and I would have missed seeing the serene waters of Aster Lake. If I had been afraid, I would never have made it down the trail in Mammoth, and I would have missed the feeling of exhilaration after finishing the run. If I had been afraid, I would never have met and gotten to know the new friends I have now. I just wouldn't have experienced all the things that I have experienced so far.

I don't blame my mother; it's the best way she knew how to raise me. She believed in being protective; that was her way of showing that she cared. I still keep in mind the lessons she's taught me, the words of advice she's given me, but I don't take everything "just because mother said so" anymore. It's hard sometimes when she's around because she still has that influence on me, and I suppose that's why I've kept talking to her at a minimum.

Talking with my cousin David has all the more made me realize how much I'm still so connected with my mother somehow, and I'm really trying as hard as I can to make sure that the decisions I make are for me and not just to make her happy. David understands; and I'm relieved, because at least someone knows where I'm coming from. Especially in this family, having an ally is very important. Already, having David on my side, I've seen some changes, and I'm happy and sad at the same time.

I love my parents like everyone else - really, I do. I don't know what I'll do when they're gone. But for now I need to take this time to be away from them. It's a sort of make-up time for myself - to be able to do the things that I was never allowed to do or try back home. I just hope that they understand what it is I'm trying to do, and that they'll know that this is what's best for me.

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