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Random thoughts

Sunday, October 31, 2004


Who says Halloween has to be scary? Take this costume, for instance. I don't know, I just felt like smiling and posing with this person instead of running away from him. Haha!

So today I pretty much preoccupied myself with hanging out with my friends, and checking out the sights at West Hollywood. We were a little disappointed that Halloween had to be on a Sunday, because of course we couldn't stay out that late. But the time we spent there was of course enjoyable, despite the wind and, well, quite honestly, bad gas. Damn those chocolate pretzels!

I'm feeling a little better now, although I still have these weird thoughts in my head. I suppose it's only normal at this time, but I hope I get through this stage soon, as I think I'm going to have a mental and/or emotional breakdown if I don't. My only salvation is to keep myself busy. That's just a bit hard when I'm by myself and can't really think of anyone else I'd want to do things with. But then again, it's therapeutic to go it alone for awhile.

Anyway, thanks is due to my friends Angela and Joedie for keeping me company today. At least tonight when I sleep, I can distract myself by reminiscing about the day's events. So thank you guys, and I love you both! :) Gosh, I'm cheesy, aren't I?

Oh, and I read today in Streams in the Desert that I should run with patience. It's saying I have to be patient while awaiting relief from these circumstances, but that I still have to move, to run, and try to do things for others. This in itself will be something that will make me feel better. And it's true, because I do feel better when I'm able to put a smile in someone's face.

So enjoy the picture above, and go ahead and have scandalous thoughts in your head. Don't forget to smile and thank me! :)

Saturday, October 30, 2004


Things that make me happy right now:

1. Looking at recent pictures of me and my friends: Pau's Visit
2. Buying and wrapping Christmas gifts (Yes, friends, I've gotten gifts for some of you already! I've been bitten by the Christmas bug early. Also, Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm going to be busy preparing for that, and for our Christmas celebration, so I have to do this early.)
3. A friend I haven't seen in awhile might be coming in for Christmas.
4. Listening to Sarah Mclachlan's songs, even though they're a little on the sad side. This is my psychotic side acting up.
5. Making people laugh. I love spending time with Bruno, John's dad, because the littlest thing I say makes him laugh. Then he pats my hand and says, "You're a good girl." Today too, I was able to make Marc, who went Christmas shopping with me, laugh out loud, and that was rewarding.
6. Planning the Mammoth trip. I can't wait! Four whole days in Mammoth, half of which will probably be spent falling on my ass! Cool! :D


I am afraid that this phlog is already getting too serious, but I really am too lazy to make a private blog right now, so I'll just write one more serious train of thought (written at 4:00 am today!), and maybe, just maybe, that will be it. I wouldn't want people reading this and going away with a heavy heart. Avert your eyes if this is not your thing. Here goes:

There is no way to be still except by trusting God or whatever higher being a person believes in. If we lack this trust, we are essentially saying that our fate is in our own hands and we inevitably start to worry about issues that we just have no control over. And in so doing, we fall into the trap of frustration and continue to be constantly disappointed.

The key is to let go, to surrender to the unknown, that which we cannot predict or control. This doesn't mean doing nothing and letting chance govern our lives completely. We must always do the best we can in every situation. But when we find ourselves in a vicious struggle to reach a certain goal, we must learn to detach ourselves and open our hearts and minds to other possibilities. Life is not just one straight path; it is a series of twists and turns, and there is never just one ending. And the sooner we accept this, the more we can welcome happiness into our own lives.

Be still and find peace in every situation. God's plan will unravel in time, and your journey's beauty, worth and purpose will be known.


Now all that's left for me to do is to actually follow what I've written above.

Friday, October 29, 2004


Last night, a decision was made final and a fate was sealed. It sounds dramatic, I know, but then my life has been one big drama lately. I have no clue what tomorrow or the next day will be like, and I feel a little lost right now, not knowing which belief to anchor myself to, and which thought to entertain.

I woke up once today in a panic, then woke up once more feeling indifferent. I seem to be passing back and forth each extreme. I need to be still.

I found a book at a store about being still, actually, and of course, I just had to have it. There was actually another book called Kissing Your Ex which looked interesting because of the plotline, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to read it when I'm trying to calm myself down.

People around me have been nothing but the best. My friends have been supportive and more than willing to lend an ear. Even John has been great - this morning, when he saw me on his way out, he offered his hand without saying a word, and he shook and squeezed mine. I guess he knew what I was going through, because he had just gone through the same thing. Really, it's one of the best gestures of all because what is there left to say anyway to someone going through this? Nothing will make things magically better - there is no one word or phrase or sentence that will bring everything back. So somehow when he looked at me, nodded and shook my hand, I felt most understood. It's just a matter of conveying somehow, "I know what you're going through," and he does.

And of course the advice I've gotten has been such a big help. I've only told a few of the people I'm closest to, and it's done wonders. At least I don't feel like I'm going to explode.


Okay, now I know what this song means. This is the song I'm suffering last song syndrome (LSS) from. Sarah said it started out as a love song, someone saying "I will be with you no matter what", and then in the middle of it, somehow she came up with lyrics that said, "Oh, maybe not!" Wow, dead-center!


I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind


I wonder what Sarah's mom fed her? I want to write like that!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

3 am and philosophical musings

Slept at 3 am today. Or I should say, went to bed at 3 am. I must have fallen asleep soon afterwards but I know I woke up several times. I must have slept less than four hours.

Lessons are learned the hard way, but after you learn them, is there ever a chance to apply them where it matters? Is there a way to go back and do everything correctly? God only knows.

Streams in the Desert is helping out a lot. I feel like every reading is meant for me and what I'm going through now. It says, be still, ask for what you want and it will be given to you. I like that - Be still. Maybe I need to do that as well, just to make sure I'm not toxic.


It's funny how sometimes you think something of yourself only to find out that someone else thinks differently. Last night, I had a shocking revelation, and I couldn't help but feel the saddest regret that I had come across that way. I see this as something humbling, something that tells me that I am always a work-in-progress, and that there are always lessons to be learned, and no one can be perfect in anything, not even in something as simple as showing affection for someone. There's always room for change. There's always some way to make things better. And of all the things that will help, communication is key.

So again, if someone learns this lesson, what is this frustrating irony that makes it seem virtually impossible to have a second chance at the same situation?


Is there still music left to dance to? I hear something. I wonder.


Someone I know said:

"There is no way to get to reality through words, all generalizations are suspect, and the sharing of meanings between minds is an illusion."

So what of this? What hope is there for each relationship if it is by nature doomed to fall into the traps of miscommunication? Does it mean to say that no matter what truth is given from one end to the other, no clear view can possibly be transferred? If everyone falls prey to this kind of belief, then every friendship, relationship, marriage and connection is rendered senseless and fatally vulnerable.

But then he says:

We need to cultivate more than logic if we want to thrive in the future. We must foster intuition to anticipate changes before they occur; empathy to understand that which cannot be clearly expressed; wisdom to see the connection between apparently unrelated events; and creativity to discover new ways of defining problems, new rules that will make it possible to adapt to the unexpected.

And there is truth to that. In the world today, which is getting smaller and smaller with the development of new technologies, there is a need to be much more conscious of the impression and interpretation of every word that is said. Understanding, compromise and compassion becomes a prerequisite for establishing relationships that can stand a chance. But we must be careful not to become jaded by the efforts that are required. The goal should never be to destroy, to break apart or to be alone - the goal is to share, to commune, to become one with another.


Everyone is psychotic in some way. People have quirks, idiosyncracies, and whatever else they may be called, but it is essentially a form of psychosis. If so, mine is revelling too much in drama. I seem to be drawn to it, or it to me. I seem to tend to do things that cause drama in my life. Sometimes I find myself doing things that I know I don't really mean, just to create some kind of disturbance in what would otherwise be a peaceful situation. And lately, I have realized that this psychosis of mine will be my undoing, if I do not work at fighting against it. I have an odd pattern that whenever I reach the peak of happiness, I eventually look for something that would create some downhill slide so that I could climb back up. Perhaps it is the climb that I crave. But I know that if I do not stop, I will ultimately never get to the place where I hope to be. This is the psychosis I suffer from, and this is what I hope to cure.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Weekend Recap - College Reunion

...AKA The Best Weekend Ever

What can I say? The picture is only a glimpse of how much fun we all had this weekend. I don't even want to go into detail too much as it will spoil the memory, but suffice to say that I keep having flashbacks in my head and find myself laughing at odd times during the day, without warning. Good thing no one has seen me yet.

I'm really happy that despite the distance and despite the fact that it's been years since Ateneo, we still have the same bond. It's like we never really spent time away from each other. We still make each other laugh, and we still very much care about each other. I just really wish we could have more times like this.

Friday, October 22, 2004


Well, I'm in a much better mood today. I've found things to be happy about:

1. Stacy is gone!!!!!
2. It feels like I was just able to rewind and hit the replay button in my life. Well, at least temporarily.
3. I'm seeing my friends this weekend!
4. I'm going back to the restaurant where I saw Michael Vartan, my boyfriend who has no clue!
5. It's Friday! Two whole days without work!
6. I've started to make my Christmas list. Okay, that merits some smileys - :) :) :). I love Christmas. I love preparing for it. I love deciding which gift to give who. I love decorating! I love wrapping! Oh, and it's almost time for the yearly Christmas at Disney! :) I always want to rush right through Thanksgiving to get to this holiday season.


I haven't gone climbing in awhile, something I tried and really liked about a year ago, so I think I'm going to have to get back to doing it. I was doing more of it before, and then I got tendinitis (which I think I may have again on the same wrist, but who cares), had tooth issues, etc., etc., and I haven't gone back too much. But it's something that I really like doing, and whenever I do my occasional visits to the gym, I completely suck, and people won't stop trying to help me (which is not a bad thing, except that I like to figure things out for myself). So I'm debating whether to get a membership or not. I probably should have done it before, but it seemed like such an impractical thing to do because I already have a membership with a full-fledged gym. But I miss it, now that I can't go there just whenever I want to. We'll see. Decisions, decisions.


Usually, on Thursdays, I would rush home before 8 pm to catch Joey, Will & Grace, and The Apprentice. Well, last night, I didn't even bother. Who am I kidding? I feel blasphemous saying this, but I don't like Joey. It just doesn't click somehow. So I was at a restaurant, having dinner with Marc, trying to rush before 8.... But when I realized that only Joey was on at 8, I stopped making him check his watch all the time, and said, "Oh it's okay. It's only Joey."

It's sad. But it's true!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Okay, I may be a bit cheesy sometimes, but this definitely tops the bill. Note that I did not write this. Someone (I won't say who, you know who you are! *wink* *wink* haha!) sent this to me.

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....

You're not pretty, you're beautiful.

I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...

Oh, the drama!

Okay, Mr. Cheesy Sender, I'm just kidding! ;)

Itchy Fingers

Well, the weather has pretty much stayed the same - cold and wet. I've had my hot chocolate fix, but there's one thing missing: a piano.

Back in Manila, where it rained all the time, I would stay indoors and play the piano for hours just to kill time. I don't even remember actually playing specific pieces, but just pressing the keys and hearing the sound of it seemed to match the sound of the rain outside. I think a single note sounds like a raindrop hitting a puddle, but just like in movies, the sound is magnified a thousand times.

So today, I have devoted my car time to Jim Brickman and David Benoit. I know it sounds cheesy to some people, and if it is.... well, I guess I'm cheesy then. :P Something in piano music leaves such an echo in me, that I am reduced to silence, and my thoughts are clearer. Something in it makes me want to just close my eyes and retreat into myself.

....What I would do to get my fingers on a keyboard again....


I started reading this book called Streams in the Desert and it's pretty good. It's actually a daily devotional, and I read the entry for the day every morning. Mind you, I'm not really the Bible-reading-everyday type, but I think reading this book will actually be a good habit for me to keep.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Gut Feel

Ever have a gut feeling you couldn't shake off? Something that you try to push back, but it comes back to haunt you in some other way? I'm having one of those moments right now, and it's driving me crazy. I have a sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach, and I can't stop thinking about this thing. As John always says, it's like a poison that eats you up slowly.

It's not even supposed to matter. I'm not supposed to care. But nothing I tell myself seems to work. If they knew about it, people will probably tell me, "Do something, distract yourself! Go out and have fun!" And I know I should. I guess it's just a matter of getting up and actually doing it. Hopefully, it won't be long before I can do that. It really is no fun sitting around dwelling on something I have no control over.

I'm not supposed to care if it happens. I'm not supposed to care if it's true.


Nothing like a good romantic comedy to bring my mood up. Thank God for Bridget Jones' Diary. Now, if I could only get that British accent going, maybe I can actually get Colin Firth to fall in love with me. Jennifer Aniston won't have to worry about me stealing Brad.


New York thoughts have been hounding me again. I wonder if I would really thrive there? A friend has offered to put me in touch with someone there, and I'm tempted to take her up on it. It won't be until maybe after a few months before I can do something concrete, but at least it's a start. Moving to New York would be a refreshing change at the very least. I wonder....

Monday, October 18, 2004

Weekend Recap - Down Time

Well, I just had one of the quietest weekends I can remember. Friday night, I hung out at the Promenade with a friend, just walking around, looking through books at Barnes & Noble, and chatting over coffee. Saturday, I did a little errand for my boss, then swung by the Farmer's Market in Santa Monica, where I chanced upon the most delicious grapes I've ever tasted. They're hidden in the refrigerator where no one but me can find them. If I could password-protect them, I would. Hahaha!

Saturday night, I was finally convinced to go to a volunteer dinner at church, where I spent the first hour smiling emptily at people I barely knew. Fortunately, I was able to sit at a table with one of the funniest group of people I've ever met, and before I knew it, I was actually enjoying myself. I was surprised when everyone started getting up to leave - it was actually that late, and I hadn't noticed it. Anyway, I came out of the dinner with three cute teddy bears that I hoarded after being told that they were going to throw away the unclaimed ones.

Sunday - mass and then work again, and then a quiet night with a book and a magazine. All in all, a relaxing weekend - much needed, considering the days preceding it.

The weather has been pretty dismal though, and according to the forecast, the rain will be here till at least the middle of the week. Normally I love weather like this, because it's so perfect for sitting on a couch under a blanket, for a quick cuddle and a nice mug of hot chocolate. But there's work to be done, no couch time to be had, and I feel robbed. Why does this kind of weather come when I'm not prepared for it?! :P

Friday, October 15, 2004

John's Fashion Faux Pas

Okay, what's plural for faux pas? Because according to Trump, John made so many mistakes.

Don't worry, John, you're still good looking.

Well, surprise, surprise, the guys didn't win last night's task. What with Roger in the fashion design team, did they really think they stood a chance against the girls? Hehe.

Oh, and Maria was really the perfect choice to lead the girls. I've been saying from the beginning that I love her sense of style, and I guess she proved her worth! Now if only I can find out where those clothes are sold, especially that stunning printed green dress....

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Last Song Syndrome (LSS)

The Night I Heard Caruso Sing

The highlands and the lowlands are the routes my father knows,
the holidays at Oban and the towns around Montrose,
but even as he sleeps, they're loading bombs into the hills,
and the waters in the lochs can run deep, but never still.
I've thought of having children, but I've gone and changed my mind.
It's hard enough to watch the news, let alone explain it to a child,
to cast your eye cross nature, over fields of rape and corn,
and tell him without flinching not to fear where he's been born.
Then someone sat me down last night, and I heard Caruso sing.
He's almost as good as Presley, and if I only do one thing,
I'll sing songs to my father, I'll sing songs to my child.
It's time to hold your loved ones while the chains are loose,
and the world runs wild.
But even as we speak, they're loading bombs onto a white train.
How can we afford to ever sleep, so sound again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


There is comfort in a hug.

I think hugs aren't given as often as they should be. Of course you wouldn't want it from just about everybody you meet on the street, but when you're in a moment of complete sadness or despair, a hug (and maybe some words of kindness) goes a long way.

Why am I saying this? Because today I got such a hug. The best one I can think of so far because it came at just the right time. I was in the middle of the street, feeling lost, and it was given to me. I'm not even that close to this person, but I will forever be grateful. It totally made my day better. So thank you, great hugger! :)

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Eyebag days are here again

There must be something wrong with me. Why am I in this vicious cycle?

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Shopping Day

I'm taking time out to write in my phlog today to say Anthropologie is the best!


Things are winding down, and my grandmother and father are leaving soon. I admit that in the middle of their visit, I was actually looking forward to the peace and quiet after they're gone, but now I'm feeling a little sad. I'm going to have so much time on my hands now, and I have no one to take around or run errands for. But maybe the solitude would be good. It always works wonders in times like this; I always emerge enlightened, renewed and ready to face anything again.


My jaw is healing pretty well. I was actually able to eat regular food last night. Well, not without pain, but at least there were no complications afterward. I had to take painkillers to rid myself of the pain, and of course shortly afterwards, I drove home, which was not altogether the best idea. But I'm alive!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Still No Happy Thoughts

I haven't been blessed with happy thoughts yet today. I think my life is spiralling down a little, but maybe after all this is over (no matter what 'over' means), I'll be back to my normal self.

If I could jump into the future now though, I would. They say, "live one day at a time", but never before have I wanted to let the days pass with the fast forward button on, sort of like the way they did the airplane scene in Garden State, as much as I do now. Actually, I feel that way now, except that everything around me is in slow motion.


Anyway, while I'm at it, here are some random thoughts I'm having (people who don't want to be depressed or who'd rather not get into my drama, avert your eyes):

1. I wonder, if trust is lost in any kind of relationship, how do you get it back?
2. People always say, "Don't think about what others think, just do what's in your heart", but how feasible is that? Is that really possible when everyday, you're surrounded by people who judge you, or who expect something of you? How can someone just let that all go, and do only what's in their heart, only what they want? Aside from it sounding so selfish, isn't that how some people end up being called crazy? But then again, maybe those crazy people are really the most free people. No one expects anything of them, except maybe the worst. But if that's the case, I never want to be free.
3. I look like someone made a punching bag out of my face. And I feel really unclean because I can't brush my teeth well enough. To top it all off, my meals consist mostly of water, Jello and eggs that I can barely chew.
4. Jealousy may well be a poison, but it can also lead to enlightenment, especially when it's well-founded.
5. I guess New York will have to do without me this New Year's. I don't know when I'll ever get to see this place. People always tell me that I would thrive there, for some reason (I hope it's not because they think I'm rude), so I've always had this longing. But oh well. Maybe next year. Maybe I should just move there and forget all my troubles here. That's a thought.
6. I am realizing that in my almost 3 years here, I really don't have that someone that I could pour my heart out too, that friend who wouldn't get tired of me just sounding off about my worries. My family thinks I keep too much inside me, that I don't share stories enough, and that's true. But it's just that I want someone who would be open-minded enough not to make everything a chance for a lecture, but who would be guided enough and sensible enough to give me a kick in the butt when I need it. Maybe such a person doesn't exist. But I'm about ready to burst right now.
7. The only thing I could've eaten in the refrigerator here right now turned out to be stale. God, I can't get a break in anything.
8. This job is not doing anything for my resume. If anything, I'm getting more and more behind on the technologies coming out, and this is frustrating me.
9. Maybe longevity is something I'm not capable of. Or maybe I'm just cursed to not have it at all. I must have been a jerk in a previous life.
10. Someone once said to me, "Everyone is alone in this world." Now I think it's true. No matter how close you are to other people, no matter how many friends you have, and it doesn't even matter if you're with someone or you're married or whatever, yes, everyone is alone.
11. I once thought that I'm pretty open-minded. I guess I don't give out that impression after all, and I'm saddened by this. And to top it all off, it's one of those people I'm supposed to trust the most who said this.
12. Misfortune comes in bulk. I hope the deliveries are over.
13. I hate this day, I hate my life, I hate myself. Sigh.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

There goes the wisdom

Got three wisdom teeth extracted within the last 2 days. Not the best feeling in the world, but at least after I recover, I won't have to worry about anything else again. Suffice to say though, I really am in no mood to write my happy thoughts, because there are none. I'll get back to you in a week.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Weekend Recap - Mommy's 80th Birthday Celebration

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Mommy is actually my grandmother. We don't call her lola or nana or whatever. It's Mommy because we got used to hearing our parents call her that.

Anyway, the party was a huge success. There were about 105 people there that day, and my grandmother was all smiles the whole time. It's amazing to see just how popular she is, actually. But then she's one of the most charming people I know, so it really shouldn't come as a surprise to me.


On a less happy note, I just got my first speeding ticket today. Hopefully, it's the last one too. But that's not a good thing to have happen to you first thing in the morning.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Fall is here!

So out come the sweaters, scarves and jackets. And my mom has this obsession with cashmere, so while I'm working during the day, she's busy hunting for sweaters that I can wear when it gets even colder than it already is. Which is a nice thing. :)

My favorite part about fall and winter? The need to get warm and cozy. Sweaters, jackets, scarves, yes. But also, sitting in front of the fire, sipping hot chocolate, wrapping thick blankets around myself (+1, maybe? haha), the first feeling of warmth when you step into the house from outside... I could go on and on.

The best thing about this fall/winter season? Planning a New York trip, which I have been craving for the longest time. Anami says that winter in New York, especially if it's snowing, is one of the best things ever. So I can't wait. And I cannot stop talking about it. I'm going to New York. I'm going to New York! :) :) :)